Thursday, May 06, 2010

The kids these days

I just YouTubed Justin Bieber. Huh. When I was 13, Nirvana, Radiohead and Pearl Jam were popular.

Back in my day, teens were hip and edgy. Nowadays, you've got kids with entirely respectable hair-dos, going to the bowling alley and singing about holding hands.

What the hell has happened to society? When Eddie Vedder sang, it was about real issues, like blowing his brains out, or a kid lusting after his mother, or being committed to a mental asylum.

You know, the real issues facing teenagers.

Oh, and when my idols talked about getting with a girl, they weren't talking about holding hands.

Gone are the days when a good and honest man could run up on stage, repeat the same ironic lyric over an over, and then proceed to slam his guitar on stage. Gone are the days when it was cool to spend lots of money on plaid shirts, even though they were available for $10 at Kohls.

Call me a curmudgeon, but I miss the days when lead singers pull their sleeves back between songs to show their heroin scars. Justin Bieber doesn't even have meth mouth. Idiot.

Vanilla Ice? Ha! We used him to impress our first crushes with our sexy running-man moves, then left him in the desert of celebrity despair after six months. Vultures figuratively (and also, probably, literally) pecked at his eyes before I entered the 7th grade.

But the Jonas Brothers just keep in rocking. Kids today don't even have the decency to shun a one-hit wonder.

This is all the fault of Barack Obama, just like the oil spill.

Suck it, kids...


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