Wednesday, June 09, 2010

An interview with this cat

TPWK: Hey, are you a cat?

Pebbles: So I’m told.

TPWK: I might need your services.

Pebbles: I don’t do domestic.

TPWK: Beg pardon?

Pebbles: Purr, purr... Sit on your lap... Crap in a filthy box. I don’t do it.

TPWK: No. I’ve got a situation.

Pebbles: Situations… Them, I do.

TPWK: Good. See, there’s a rabbit.

Pebbles: There’s always a rabbit.

TPWK: He likes leaves.

Pebbles: So? What’s it to you?

TPWK: The leaves are on my plants.

Pebbles: Oh, right. You people hate that don’t you? Can’t let an animal have one
piece of the pie.

TPWK: Leaves, not pie.

Pebbles: Yeah, it’s a figure of speech, moron. So why don’t you just kill the
rabbit?

TPWK: See... And, uh, that’s a good question… It’s just a matter of.

Pebbles: You don’t want to kill the fuzzy-wuzzy.

TPWK: It’s a stomach issue.

Pebbles: You need him whacked.

TPWK: Well actually, I need him…

Pebbles: Again, figure of speech. Don’t be obtuse. What are you, a dog?

TPWK: No, right.

Pebbles: I’ll take care of him.

TPWK: That’s good. That’s… What I want.

Pebbles: But I’m gonna do it my way.

TPWK: Your way?

Pebbles: Look, I’m a cat. I see a rabbit, I gotta mess it up.

TPWK: Mess it up?

Pebbles: Yeah. You know. Chew it up a bit. Let it run. Chase it down. Maybe bite
its balls off.

TPWK: ...

Pebbles: Look. You want me, you get all of me, capiche? This is what I do.

TPWK: I was just hoping for something humane.

Pebbles: Humane? You talking to me about humane?

TPWK: I…

Pebbles: Humane! Look at this guy. Tellin’ me about humane. Look, when I was three
months old, my mom’s owner took all of us to a prison. We lived in cages… Right across from the dogs. After three weeks, they started taking us, first my mom, then my brothers, one by one…. Took ‘em back to this room. Never heard from them again. Never saw my mom again.

TPWK: I’m sorry to hear…

Pebbles: You know what they call that place? That death house? You know what they call it??? The HUMANE society.

TPWK: The irony is not lost on me.

Pebbles: So don’t IHOPin’ talk to me about humane. You don’t know nothin’ about it.

TPWK: Right. So, about this rabbit.

Pebbles: Leave three ounces of catnip and two open cans of Fancy Feast by the back door tonight. It’ll get done.

TPWK: Thank you.

Pebbles: Don’t mess with me on this. Fancy. Feast. You try to give me Iams, I’ll crap in your wife’s flowers.

TPWK: No. Right. Two cans of Fancy Feast. Catnip.

Pebbles: Hey. I been meanin’ to ask you. How is it you’s can talk to animals?

TPWK: I drink benzene.

Pebbles: That’ll do it. You have a good day sir.

TPWK: Hey Pebbles…

Pebbles: What?

TPWK: Thanks…

Pebbles: Don't mention it...

1 Comments:

Blogger Memphis Evans said...

Good one.

3:53 PM  

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