Monday, July 05, 2010

Recipe sadness

Better Homes and Gardens has infiltrated my headspace with some recipes for the week. I'll preface this by saying I'm not a chef, but even I can tell you that this is not something you should bother cooking.

Monday - Sausage and Summer Squash

Not the most appealing combination, but let's see what's in it.

* 1/3 to 1/2 cup bottled Italian salad dressing

Yuck. Is there anything more disgusting that store bought Italian dressing*? Why don't we just start this recipe off with rancid pickles? Moving on.

* 2 cloves garlic, minced

Because if you can't be bothered to mix olive oil and vinegar, surely you'll want to take the time to mince fresh garlic. I'm surprised they didn't specify "from a jar".

* 12 oz. cooked Polish sausage links, halved lengthwise, sliced diagonally

Be sure to slice them diagonally, because that's fancy.

* 3 small yellow summer squash and/or zucchini, quartered lengthwise

So basically, we are substituting fancy slicing for flavor here.

* 4 wedges Italian flat bread, split

A Google search for "Italian Flat Bread" yields, as the first result "what is Italian flat bread?". Exactly. It's like the authors of this recipe had some bread sitting out of the package, had no idea what it was, and winged it.

Per the picture, it looks like ciabatta. Every magazine recipe bread is ciabatta.

* 1/4 cup sliced green onions
* Fresh oregano leaves

We just doubled the cost of this recipe, but at least we have finally added flavor.

* 1/4 cup coarsely shredded Parmesan cheese (optional)

I never understand why recipes consider parmesan to be optional. Have you ever tasted the stuff? Does it seem like an "optional" ingredient to you, especially in the shredded variety? By my lights, the mystery bread should be optional.

So how do we make this crap?

Preheat broiler.

Wait. We're broiling? This was described as an "easy summer recipe". Broiling is the opposite of easy, and is certainly the opposite of anything you'd want to do in the summer.

In small bowl combine dressing and garlic.

Because the store-bought "Italian" dressing couldn't be bothered to add things like, um, flavor, so you'll have to do the hard work on Wish Bone's behalf.

In extra-large skillet cook sausage and squash in 2 tablespoons of the dressing mixture for 8 to 10 minutes or until sausage is heated through and squash is almost tender, stirring occasionally.

For 8-10 minutes at what cooking temperature? High? Low? I guess we just do it until everything seems cooked. That's freaking helpful. Thanks, recipe.

Also, if you put store-bought Italian dressing in a pan and cook it, your house will smell like dog piss for hours. Be warned.

Meanwhile, place bread on broiler pan; brush with 1 tablespoon of the dressing mixture. Broil 3 to 4 inches from the heat for 1 to 2 minutes,

1 to 2 minutes? The author of this recipe can't get a broiling time down within 100% of the total? Keep in mind we are talking about putting oil under the highest possible heat (for most kitchens) at the closest possible proximity (ditto) to that heat as part of an "easy summer recipe".

Also, why are we smothering everything in cheap salad dressing? Have you ever been to a restaurant that does this?

until lightly toasted.

Or, more likely, burnt to hell.

Serve sausage and squash with toasted bread.

Thank heavens for the serving suggestion. I was considering drizzling some maple syrup on the bread and serving it to the homeless. Instead, I will now serve it with the meal.

Drizzle remaining dressing;

Oh, for crying out loud.

sprinkle green onions and oregano.

Oh good, the only flavor in the dish comes from the garnish.

Pass Parmesan cheese.

It's more optional that way.

Serves 4.

Serves 4? 3 ounces of meat and 3/4 of a small zucchini constitutes a main course? This is like a dark world Alinea.

People, please do not make this recipe.

* - Yes, store-bought French or "Catalina" (whatever the hell that is) is in the running. Wish Bone has done some terrible, terrible things.


Blogger Ranty said...

oooooooohhhhhhh awesome. LOL!

Have you ever tried reading a CROCKPOT cookbook? (Or even better, the little pamphlet of recipes that - at least in the old days - came with the pot?

Seriously EVERYTHING except the meat always comes from a can. It's hilarious.

4:48 PM  

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