Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I love the Minnesota State Fair!

I love the state fair. I love the food, the in your face humanity, the fact that the long crowded streets look like the opening credits for movies filmed in New York from 1974-1982.

I hate that the Republican booth will almost certainly be slammed, depriving us of the quaint oasis that is the courtyard seating area, but I love how that portends for November.

I love the fact that that I can go an entire day without eating a single tomato or zucchini, which has not happened since late June.

I hate pig vaginas, but I love that my wife is so eager to see them. I am enamored of the whole sordid affair that is the miracle of birth building, what with the forearms and the stink.

I love that Kare 11 is so excited for us to see them at the fair, even though I fail to see how this could possible impact their ratings. I think Kare 11 just can't help itself. It's in their DNA.

I love the rank hypocrisy of sanctimonious Uptowners who scoff at the northern suburbanites for their unhip look or profligacy of children. I know you're accustomed to eating deep fried goods in the cozy confines of some pre-fab Parasole bottle service establishment with a rooftop deck, but if you're going to regard your Minnesota brethren ironically, know that they might well be doing the same to you.

I love that cookies stick to the ground like gum.

I hate that purveyors feel compelled to highlight Minnesota wine. Yes, Minnesota has wine, just as St. Paul has sexual assaults. We don't need a booth for it.

On the other hand, I love the faces of meth exhibit. There is something about the juxtaposition of meth-face against a backdrop of roasted corn that succinctly encapsulates everything that is Minnesota.

I love that there is a guy who dresses as a robot for no apparent reason.

I love that when I explain what porcupine meatballs are, it is reasonable, even necessary, to note that they do not, in fact, contain porcupine meat.

I love that a visit to the state fair would make Nancy Pelosi's brain explode.

I love that there are al pacas. Al pacas. Why the hell not?

I love that people eagerly line up for free bags, which are then used to collect other free items, all of which almost certainly duplicating items that already reside in basements.

I love the complaints of the surrounding community about the fair. If you spent $275k on a non-descript bungalow in St. Paul, look at your choices.

Did I mention I love Australian potatoes? 'Cause I do.

I hate that there is a fire-eating midget. Why is this allowed?

In short, I love the Minnesota State Fair, and if you don't, go back to Saudi Arabia!


Blogger Sarah said...

Best Fair post ever!

10:13 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home