Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Wonkette response I forgot to publish when it was relevant

So, Wonkette, purveyor of left-wing extremist nonsense, has apparently decided to get into the humor game. It is almost always a bad idea when ideology gets mixed with humor, and this is no exception. Let's parse:

We spent way too much time on all of this.

Okay, the author is doing the ironic thing where you throw a bunch of preening images into a pile, and that is supposed to be a detached commentary somehow. I get it, I guess.

To which, is the stripper pole supposed to connote birthday celebration? Why is there a referee? Is that an abstinence jab?

Reagan II? Do liberals just get that joke, and so I shouldn't question it? I'm out of the loop and the whole "it's funny simply to name politicians" meme, but I'll give it a shot. Lyndon Johnson 5.

Seriously, what the hell is this? Okay moving on.


Oh dear, I hope that's a pseudonym.

That strange man yelling unintelligibly at Sarah Palin? He’s merely a lowly shepherd proclaiming the birth of our savior.

Wait, what strange man? Jack Stuef? I need context. Of all the things in the picture above, there is no man yelling. John McCain? That doesn't make any sense.

Today is the day we come together to celebrate the snowbilly grifter’s magical journey from Texas to Alaska to deliver to the America the great gentleman scholar Trig Palin. Is Palin his true mother? Or was Bristol?

Well, first of all, Bristol's last name is Palin, so either way, a Palin gave birth to Trig. Second, snowbilly grifter? I get the snowbilly part, but grifter? Does the word just find the right cadence, and so why write things that are meaningful?

(And why is it that nobody questions who the father is? Because, either way, Todd definitely did it.)

Well, that's quite the parenthetical. I thought we were being all cool and ironic, what with the stripper & pole. But now we've moved into broad satire, what with the incest and such. Good point, though... Republicans definitely rape their daughters.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are privileged to live in a time when we can witness the greatest prop in world political history.

The TelePrompter?

Bald eagles or baby Palins? Same thing.

This is a montage of baby Trig's photos. Keep in mind that, to some, the idea that disabled people should be allowed to live long enough to be photographed is inherently funny.

Sorry, what I meant to say was, HA-HA-HA. Baby is retarded! BRILLIANT!

This morning, Team Sarah posted a happy-birthday message at the exact time of his birth. This is a poem “Lynda” wrote for Trig:

Of course, it is inherently absurd to write poems for and about babies. We should simply take them at face value. They are poop machines. Nothing more.

(TPWK To Jack Stuef: Do you want to kill yourself now, or do you want to build up a fan-base so you can score an error-riddled New York Times obit? Either way, make it so. Thanks.)

Okay, the poem is pretty lame. It's about baby dreams. What does Jack have to say about it?

What’s he dreaming about? Nothing. He’s retarded.

In addition to being clinically inaccurate, this has the added bonus of being bracingly unfunny. Is Jack Stuef a pseudonym for Andy Dick?

Here are a couple of excellent YouTube tributes to the magic intellectually disabled baby prop, presented by Glenn Beck:

Now we've changed gears. Stuef/Dick's problem with Trig Palin is that he has been used as a prop. In related news, I have no idea whether Barack Obama has adorable daughters.

Here’s Piper licking her hand and rubbing it all over Trig’s head for some reason:

She never explained her reason to the press, which is inexcusable, considering she is seven years old.

Here’s Trig returning the favor, meeting another Down syndrome baby and immediately trying to lick it:

You know what? As cynical as I am, I cannot cast this comment in a darker light. Congratulations, you ugly, chubby bastard (no, the ironic glasses do not save you... I get it, but you evoke pity... That's not good.)

And finally, Louis C.K.’s verdict on the kid:

Louis C.K. isn't funny either. Why did Mitch Hedberg have to die, while the rest of us are saddled with Jack Stuef, Andy Dick and Louis C.K.?

“Why just celebrate tax day today, April 18th? It’s also Trig Paxson Van Palin’s 3rd birthday. His mom went to a lot of trouble to leak amniotic fluid over 8 states to make sure that he arrived in this world somewhat alive,”

This bit of acerbic commentary is rather chronologically challenged. The baby was born before Palin was tapped to be the vice presidential candidate for the party Jack Stuef rather obviously dislikes.

I'm trying to avoid the "somewhat alive" bit, but will simply note that this is how people once discussed slaves, and Jack Stuef pretty much fits the mold of privileged wealthy son of a slave owner. My assumption is that he is too much of a pussy to have ever owned slaves. He strikes me as the snotty kid who would have gone around antagonizing them until they went Nat Turner on his ass.

writes Wonkette operative “Barbara_i,”

Oh my bad... The amniotic fluid bit comes courtesy of a Wonkette operative. Congratulations, "Barbara-underscore-lower-case-i", you are an official operative for a blog (or were... I'm guessing staffing cuts are on the horizon, now that Jack Stuef pissed away all of your advertising dollars). Try not to waste oxygen for the rest of us. You had damn well better drive a hybrid.

Sarah went to a whole lot of trouble to name him ‘Van Palin,’ a ‘Van Halen’ reference he will never get.” Indeed.

Slapping "indeed" at the back-end of a flatly banal joke does not make said joke any less so, nor does it justify it's replication. I am also confused about the attribution. Did Barbara_i make a stupid amniotic fluid joke or a stupid Van Halen joke? I feel like Jack Stuef is hedging his bets here, grammatically speaking.

Enjoy yourself today, Trig. Have fun!

This is why I vote Republican, people.

Get drunk (on purpose this time)!
The hell?

We can hardly wait for 15 years from now, when you will finally be able to vote and will be sent off by your mother’s junta to fight the Union in the Great Alaska War.

If this piece is any indication, it will be the mentally handicapped who are fighting to reclaim satire from left-wing degenerates. The rest of us conservatives will be on to bigger and better things, of course.
It’ll be quite a loss. You’re the smartest one in that family.
Right, because the smart money is on insulting retarded babies on one of the most prominent liberal blogs in America. That's what smart people do.


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