Monday, May 23, 2011

Tim Pawlenty is Boring

So yeah, this is pretty funny. T-Paw is a bit boring, and Barack Obama is exciting...

Let's use the analogy of a party. Tim Pawlenty is the guy who sticks to the kitchen, and maybe helps mix drinks. He might pop out to check on the dip, and he'll open up once things settle down. Maybe he joins in a bit of late-night poker.

Obama's the "friend of a friend" (hereinafter: FOAF) who everyone saw leave at about 9p after chugging two PBRs, but who re-emerges at 1a, completely bombed. He isn't really loud, but he has this manic look in his eye, and makes a couple really weird comments to the women that are probably intended sexually.

Then he knocks back three shots and everyone's kinda like "I don't think you should be having anymore, dude", and people kind of would like to leave, because FOAF has ruined the mood, but nobody wants to leave T-Paw alone to deal with the guy.

Then FOAF's like "!@#$ it, I'm inviting Pickle and Rocco", and someone makes a "hey we're kinda winding down here, so... you know..." type of statement, completely ignored by FOAF, who texts them a message. Then there's dead silence, and he reaches for the rum, and T-Paw's like "okay, you've had enough man," and FOAF mocks him like "bleh, bleh, you've had enough man!!!" and pulls a flask out of his pocket and everyone's like "seriously, dude?"

Then FOAF starts trying to disconnect the DVD player for some reason, and everyone wonders what he's doing, and he gets offended, like it's an affront that a guy shouldn't be able to walk into a house and disconnect a DVD player. Then, Pickle shows up (Rocco stays in the car, which is ominous) and screams out "dude, nice TV... Remember when FDR got on the TV after the stock market crash and talked to the moon??? ROCK THE !@#$ OUT DELAWARE!!! I'M A GIANT ANT FARM"...

Suddenly, people are muttering aloud about calling the cops, when FOAF apologies, and works to settle everyone down, and the two huddle in the corner of the room. T-Paw starts cleaning while a few people sip some water, sober up, and strike up a philosophical conversation.

Suddenly, Pickle is like "!@#$ this Harvard crap, let's get janged!", and nobody knows what "janged" even means, but he whips out a baggie of coke, to which, it's not like nobody there has ever done cocaine, but that was in college, and now everyone's at least 30 and has jobs, and one guy is like "I'm an Elementary School principal... I'm pretty sure I'm required to report this."

Then, suddenly, FOAF pulls a knife, and Pickle has to hold him back, which is exactly the opposite of how anyone thought that scenario would play out, and Pickle starts whispering "come on man, this is a big !@#$in' deal... Stand down man... Let it him be a little !@#$%".

And so they leave and everyone is weirded out, and T-Paw's kind of shaking, but his friends tell him its cool, and they still had a great time, and really respected how he stood up to that guy, cause Arne Carlson never would have had the balls.

The next day, a bunch of CDs and a purse are missing from the porch, and everyone pretty much knows who took it, but the police can't do anything because there isn't really any evidence, and so T-Paw helps the lady cancel her credit cards, wondering aloud how it was possible for someone that drunk to hit not one, but three strip clubs before bar close.

How exciting.


On a not-unrelated note, I hereby endorse Tim Pawlenty to be the next President of the United States.


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